ugh..

i think there's something wrong with me! i can't wait to see you guys on new years eve, but right now, all i want to do is lay down and never get up again. i'm feeling so cut off from everything that's important to me. it's not supposed to be like this! yes, i'm supposed to be homesick... but to be homesick for 4 months where it only gets worse everyday? i hardly come out of my room anymore! something isn't right! this isn't me! i want to go home... but i don't even know where home would be anymore... am i going insane? all i can keep thinking about is how much i want to be back in the bay area. i hate it here. i hate it here with every fiber of my being... maybe it'd be better if i had a job or a friend or was in classes... but i'm not! i'm suffocating. the only reason why i haven't come back already is because i'm stubborn. i will dig my heels in and not move an inch. this is where i'm supposed to be. i haven't even had a chance to go to school yet! i refuse to leave until I've AT LEAST been certified as a massage therapist! THREE SEMESTERS!!! why can't i just deal with it? why does 3 semesters sound like 30 years to me? i'm such a child. here i am wanting to move across an ocean, and i'm freaking out about having moved over a state... i need to grow up. i'm wasting this opportunity away... so drained... just want to end it. just want it over with... so emo right now... so stupid... i should NOT write on four hours of slep the night before... do me a favor and tell to not do it. just say it's better if i don't send it... no good. it's a shit message... just say 'tabitha, you shouldn't send that note. it will only cause chaos and heartache.' same as how i shouldn't hit enter on this message to you. bad idea. just like spilling my guts on twitter... lol twitter... beautiful anonimity with all the attention of millions of people with add. i'm an idiot.