ugh..

i think there's something wrong with me! i can't wait to see you guys on new years eve, but right now, all i want to do is lay down and never get up again. i'm feeling so cut off from everything that's important to me. it's not supposed to be like this! yes, i'm supposed to be homesick... but to be homesick for 4 months where it only gets worse everyday? i hardly come out of my room anymore! something isn't right! this isn't me! i want to go home... but i don't even know where home would be anymore... am i going insane? all i can keep thinking about is how much i want to be back in the bay area. i hate it here. i hate it here with every fiber of my being... maybe it'd be better if i had a job or a friend or was in classes... but i'm not! i'm suffocating. the only reason why i haven't come back already is because i'm stubborn. i will dig my heels in and not move an inch. this is where i'm supposed to be. i haven't even had a chance to go to school yet! i refuse to leave until I've AT LEAST been certified as a massage therapist! THREE SEMESTERS!!! why can't i just deal with it? why does 3 semesters sound like 30 years to me? i'm such a child. here i am wanting to move across an ocean, and i'm freaking out about having moved over a state... i need to grow up. i'm wasting this opportunity away... so drained... just want to end it. just want it over with... so emo right now... so stupid... i should NOT write on four hours of slep the night before... do me a favor and tell to not do it. just say it's better if i don't send it... no good. it's a shit message... just say 'tabitha, you shouldn't send that note. it will only cause chaos and heartache.' same as how i shouldn't hit enter on this message to you. bad idea. just like spilling my guts on twitter... lol twitter... beautiful anonimity with all the attention of millions of people with add. i'm an idiot.

had another dream again

i had another strange dream.

i dreamt my dad's girlfriend, Karyn, brought in some sort of spiritual or religious therapist to come and talk to me. i could hear them talking in the other room like i was right there. it bothered me that she brought this woman in without letting me know first. then, while i was sleeping in my dream, they turned on some sort of DVD in my my room promoting some sort of strange religion. it reminded of of Baptist Christians, only not. this pissed me off.

i got up, turned off the DVD, and went out to be polite and introduce myself to this woman i already disliked. seeing how people came into MY ROOM without permission, tried to talk to me while i was SLEEPING, messed with MY STUFF without first asking, i was already pretty cranky... but she was a guest in this house, and I'm a good hostess for the most part... i felt the need to clarify that this wasn't OK, so i spoke to Karyn first saying; "Karyn, we will talk later." i then extended my hand and did the usual pleasantries, "hi, my name is Tabitha." etc etc. the lady's name was Jennifer or something.

after introducing her self, Jennifer started right into her spiel about her church and how she knew i was looking for one and that hers was the best and she knew that i was having some problems adjusting to the area, yada yada yada... she went on and on and on... until suddenly, something she said clicked in my head. she didn't care about me, she cared about getting another 'convert' and needed to 'mentor' people she converted. little warning bells went off in my head, and my cranky attitude went from passive to over drive.

i folded my arms and said, "Excuse me, but who do you think your are?"
Jennifer blinked, "i beg pardon?"
i almost laughed. "you haven't asked me anything about myself or what my needs are or if i am even interested in hearing out what you're saying, let alone what my own beliefs are."

i turned around and walked toward the sink of dishes, planning on washing them to keep myself busy and from doing something stupid. Jennifer walked up behind me and touched my back that's when i lost it a little. "please don't touch me. I'm not comfortable with people touching me without my express permission"

Karyn could see that this was going south, but Jennifer couldn't see it and continued on her pursuit of a convert by trying to console me with a hug. i snapped. "what part of 'don't touch me' don't you understand? don't put your hands on me, don't talk to me, just stay away from me!"

i couldn't handle it any longer and went back to my room. for some reason Karyn's nonexistent daughter was in my room doing her laundry... (minds are weird sometimes) i kicked her out and tried to lock my door. it was then that i realized somebody had removed my lock. not five minutes later, i could hear Jennifer talking to somebody on her cell phone about how i must have had some sort of physical trauma as a child and i would need some serious therapy and she wasn't ready to take the 3 month training to counsel me herself. as she was ending this conversation on her phone, she and Karyn came into my room to talk to me. i was livid. not only were they invading my privacy AGAIN, but they didn't get when to quit.

this was about the time i woke up due to lack of feeling in half of my forearm and hand.

who am I?

I guess I should properly introduce myself

I'm Tabitha. You don't really need to more than that right? ... Okay then... I'm from California, I used to play piano, I am very opinionated, I keep strange hours, I absolutely love Japanese culture, and I like music. a lot. I'm sure, as I update this page, you will probably learn more about me than you ever wished to. So stick around for a while! ^.^

However. Even with all of this, you will you find that I am a bit of a conundrum, or, perhaps even, a perfect paradox.

I let people call me whatever they feel like calling me. However I don't believe I fall into any one group or genre. My family calls me 'weird', some of my friends call me 'different', other friends call me 'special'. People who first meet me call me 'nice'. I've been called j rocker, metal head, goth, freak, fatty, and I'm sure other things as well, though not to my face. I'm sure these title's should bother me, but they don't.

Presumptions, stereotypes, molds, prejudices... They don't bother me. It only starts bothering me when people start treating me differently, or expect certain things from me, because of these ideologies that they have about me.

For example, I once walked into a specialty shop, seriously looking at some items to purchase. Being in the mood I was in, along with my lack of sleep and traveling situation, I'm sure I looked a bit rough around the edges. However, being bred the way I was, I kept my attitude toward others in the shop light and my politeness level up. Even so, the retailer behind the counter frowned at me and acted as if I was about to lift something out of the store. Although I entered and exited the same store multiple times, I am a shopper, not a lurker. So I bought some specialty candy from the store. I was still sniffed at, as if I had wasted the person's time (though I was the only person who actually BOUGHT something while I was there).

People baffle me. I will be the first to admit, even I make assumptions about others at times, but I try to remember how it is when I'm on the receiving end of assumptions.

So who am I? Am I any of the things that others call me? I don't honestly know. I don't believe so. I think that I meet some standards but not others. I guess the only thing I can call myself is 'poser' lol. I can mesh into almost any group of friends I have with ease. Why? Because I accept them the way they are, and they accept me.

Today, there's a death rock event going on... I'll most likely attend. If you're interested in attending (in Las Vegas) click here for details.

2 hour nightmare

i dreamed the house i grew up in somehow ended up becoming an island. two siblings and i somehow became slaves to somebody who started living there, along with about 45 other people of varying stages of life and background. there was famine in the animal world, foxes and skunks were unafraid of people as they scavenged off of dead animal skins we hunted on the property there. things went bad. the food became scarce and people were dieing of an unknown disease... 15-2- of us planned to escape, my siblings and myself included. a professional escape artist was helping us. we tried to use old equipment, from the rental yard, but most of it was broken and useless... then one of the people next to my room died suddenly... his roommate watched him die... he shriveled up like he was ageing quickly, but his skin turned blue. the next day was to have a very large, very public, tea party on this island hill. that was the day for our escape... we decided to go through with the escape anyhow... i feared for my sister's life, and my brothers safety... that night people asked me about the history of the house... i told them the whole truth about the hill we lived on... my dream also added 3-6 other deaths... they read about them, but i could visualize them like i had been there my self. the tea party, the next day, was going along without a problem. the only strange thing was my table wasn't a table at all, but a heavy duty counter. we were about to make our escape, when an emergency PA system turned on, you could hear breathing, silence, and the a click of a hang up. i looked around, and the ocean was frothing. "TSUNAMI!!!!!" i screamed... but it was too late. all i could do was hang onto the counter as the first huge wave came down the hill toward me and my siblings. after the first wave passed, i looked around for my siblings, my sister was there, crying. i called out to her telling her to pull my brother out of the water and to get on top of the counter. she shook her head. i realized then that the water was frothing pink... my brother hadn't been quick enough. the counter had lifted with the wave and landed on top of him... ripping his body in half as the wave had tried to carry him away.